Balancing Love

Is Your Divorce Final Yet?

going through a divorce, final

Is your divorce final yet? If not, are you wondering if you should start dating people? First off, I’m sorry your in this situation. I always tell people I don’t wish a messy divorce on my worst enemy.

Not only am I a divorcee, I have several friends and know many, many people who are divorced and was a witness to their divorce process, so I have seen it all: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the straight-up horrific.

I saw a child psychiatrist for a short time to help me see divorce through my children’s eyes, and that was the best decision I made for them. I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea how it would affect them. Every child is different and handles trauma differently, because yes, divorce to a child is considered a major traumatic event in their life, like the death of a parent is to us. They need time to grieve. They need time to realize it wasn’t their fault. They need time to realize their mom and dad still love them no matter what. This is where I tell people you have to put your adult hat on and put your children’s needs before your own personal needs and wants.

It took me almost 5 years for my divorce to get finalized. It took a serious toll on me as well as my children. Why did it take 5 years? My marriage changed me, and I became someone that I didn’t like. I allowed things in my marriage I never had allowed in my previous life prior. I let my fear of my ex-husband be the driver of not getting our papers signed. I walked on eggshells around him. He wouldn’t sign anything. He wouldn’t move to the next step, he just kept dragging it on, and I let him.

Finally, one day I had had enough of the back and forth. He was living his best life while I was living on a rock that wasn’t moving anywhere. Through therapy, I got over my fear of all my insane “what if’s”. What if he does this? What if he does that? It wasn’t until my lawyer sat me down, slapped me a couple times to wake me up, JK, gave me a reality check and then I did it, I served him.

The worst decision I made was getting involved with someone before my divorce was finalized. I was legally separated for a year before I decided I was ready to date. Everyone is different, but I personally think that when you come to the conclusion that your marriage is over and can’t be fixed, you need to take at least 6 months to evaluate yourself and your marriage. UNLESS, you are very in tune to yourself, know your mistakes that YOU made in your divorce and are truly ready to move on. Or unless the papers have been signed and your just waiting for the judge to sign off.

What happened over time was that I had 3 relationships going at once: my kids, my ex, and my new guy. It was horrible. I was spread too thin. When you’re still going through your divorce, you aren’t in any condition to date.
You’re like a pregnant woman with her hormones all over the place. First, if you have kids, you’re trying to figure out what works for visitation with your ex. Your kids just got dealt a really shitty set of cards and their struggling with their new life of mom and dad not living together anymore. Everything will change about thirty times. You are also trying to figure out your new life without your spouse. Routines, cooking, cleaning, etc. You are dealing with so many different emotions about your marriage. Why they left you? Why you left them? Why did it fail?

Adding in a third layer of dating is a disaster, in my opinion. You might be in a scenario where you were the one who left, and you want to get out there meet new people. While your ex is left huddled in a ball on the floor devastated. It creates drama, problems with the in-laws, issues with your kids, and I could go on and on for pages on this one.

I have a friend who left her husband because she met someone else. They have 4 kids. She was still married, dating this other guy, then not, then they were back on. Then said to to her husband, we’re done. She moved out and within 2 months her new guy is meeting her kids. See all the bombs that went off here? This can have a HUGE impact on the children. Kids of divorce have their own host of struggles. Their lives as they know it has just ended. All they know is that their mommy and daddy were living together under one roof, and now they’re not. Now, they have two homes, and they have to get shuffled back and forth, and there’s someone else in the picture and its not their dad. That’s A LOT for children to have to deal with.

Out of my fear of not wanting anything bad to happen to the new guy, I kept him quiet; only my close friends knew about him. I lead basically a secret life with him for two years. BIG MISTAKE! Funny thing was that my ex-husband and I were separated. He was dating, living his life, and here I sat in secret with my life out of fear, asking my new guy to be patient, to wait, and he did. He should have walked away then. It’s just not fair to involve someone else in your affairs when they’re messed up to the extent mine was. It’s extremely selfish actually.

What I did was so unfair to him. I lived in this bubble with him and only thought about living day-to-day and doing whatever I could not to let that bubble burst. Our relationship was driven by my ex. When he picked up the kids, we had a few hours together. I would run him out of my house if my ex decided suddenly to drop my kids off. If I had just waited until my divorce was final, meaning papers signed and stamped, so many things would have gone differently. It was so stressful. I only saw him when I didn’t have my kids, which was hardly ever. I had them 90% of the time or if my ex went out of town for the night with his friends.

I didn’t close that chapter on my marriage. I let fears from my marriage carry over to our separation and spill into my new relationship. My ex-husband controlled me even while we weren’t a married couple anymore, and I let him. I gave him that power. Ultimately, I took it away, amongst other things, and got my life back. What I went through was absolutely horrific. Horrific for me, my kids, and that guy. Don’t do that to someone else, they don’t deserve it and really you don’t need the stress. Get your divorce in order. Take care of your kids first. Your personal life will always be there. Grow a set, hold firm, but take care of your family first, then the rest will fall into place at the right time, with the right person.

Ask yourself this question? If you are fresh out of a divorce, meaning just by a couple of months, do you really need to be with someone that badly, that quickly? I mean, you really can’t wait to date? Most people do this to get their mind off what’s happening, which I get, but I can promise you, you’re in no condition to date other people, yet. Do someone else, spend time with your friends, dive into work, work on those unfinished work projects, just take some time for YOU.

If you have specific questions about something your going through bring it to the forum for more help at, “Ask Jen”.

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